Being a grandparent is one of life’s great pleasures. You get to love these little ones with everything you have. And yet, keeping the peace with their parents (your own children or children-in-law) can sometimes feel like walking a tightrope.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Strohman, who works with families and founded the nonprofit Digital Citizen Academy, has a clear-eyed take on why these tensions happen. She also offered Parade practical advice for navigating them.
Why Grandparents and Parents Don’t Always See Eye to Eye
According to Dr. Strohman, it usually comes down to this: parents want consistency and control over how their children are raised, while grandparents naturally want to dote and fall back on their own tried-and-true habits. That difference in approach, she says, “can cause some disconnect and issues.”
There is also something else at play. New parents are still learning, and they often want their own parents to be proud of them and approve of their choices. That emotional layer can make disagreements feel bigger than they are.
Technology has widened the gap, too. Dr. Strohman notes that today’s parents have the entire internet at their fingertips for parenting guidance. That can make collaboration harder, especially when a parent pulls up a Google search or an AI answer to override something a grandparent has always believed.
5 Things to Always Ask About First
Dr. Strohman identifies five areas where grandparents should always check with the parents before acting, even when the intention is nothing but loving.
1. Posting Photos on Social Media
This one surprises many grandparents, but Dr. Strohman is firm about it. “Children shouldn’t have their images online, because once it is posted, you lose the ability to manage it,” she explains. That photo becomes part of the child’s permanent digital footprint.
Parents may have reasons you are not aware of: custody situations, concerns about stalking, or worries about online exploitation. Always ask before you share.
2. Sharing Personal Information
Whether you are chatting with a neighbor at the store or connecting with someone online, a grandchild’s personal information belongs to the parents to share or not. That includes the child’s full name, age, where they live, and where they go to school.
3. Making Medical Decisions
Outside of a true emergency, medical decisions are the parents’ call. Dr. Strohman puts it plainly: taking a child to urgent care or making any health-related choice should involve the parents unless there is no other option.
If you are watching the grandkids overnight, she recommends that parents walk through a plan ahead of time so everyone knows exactly what to do if something comes up.
4. Handing Over a Phone or Screen
Screen time rules vary widely from family to family, and parents have thought carefully about theirs. “Handing a child a smartphone, or any access to screens, without knowing the parents’ rules is highly risky and worrisome,” Dr. Strohman says.
A screen can feel like an easy way to keep a busy grandchild occupied. But the risks, she notes, are real. Ask what the rules are before you hand anything over.
5. Giving Unapproved Foods
We all know how good it feels to slip a grandchild a special treat. But food rules exist for real reasons: allergies, medical conditions, personal beliefs, and deliberate choices about how the child is raised. Dr. Strohman says those rules “shouldn’t be overruled,” even with the sweetest of intentions.
How Parents Can Keep Things Running Smoothly
Dr. Strohman also offers guidance for parents who want to set clear expectations without creating hard feelings. If you are the grandparent, sharing these ideas with your own child or their partner can open a good conversation.
Talk before problems come up. Dr. Strohman recommends setting expectations proactively, before any conflict arises. That way, both generations can approach things as partners rather than from a place of defensiveness. Grandparents who understand the why behind a rule, she says, are far more likely to follow it.
Write the rules down. A simple list covering things like allergies, screen time limits, and discipline approaches removes the guesswork. Dr. Strohman notes that “clarity also protects the relationship itself; it’s much easier for a grandparent to follow a known rule than to guess at an unspoken one and get it wrong.”
Revisit the rules as kids grow. What matters for a toddler is different from what matters for a ten-year-old or a teenager. Dr. Strohman encourages parents to update grandparents as things change, keeping the relationship “collaborative rather than combative.” The goal, she reminds us, is always the child’s well-being, not control for its own sake.
The grandparent role is irreplaceable. A little communication up front keeps it that way for everyone.
