You set the table. You made something good. The grandkids sit down and when you ask how their day went, you get a shrug, a “fine,” or maybe just silence.
Sound familiar? You are not doing anything wrong. It turns out, the question itself is the problem.
Three child psychologists all pointed to the same fix. And it is simpler than you might expect.
The Question That Actually Works
Ask your grandchild: “What was your rose and thorn today?”
The rose is the best part of their day. The thorn is the hardest part. That is it.
Dr. Amy Todey, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in parenting, told Parade that dinner is one of the most natural places to build connection with children. And this one question opens the door wide.
Why ‘How Was School?’ Falls Flat
Dr. Todey says parents and grandparents ask “How was school?” out of genuine care. But the question is simply too broad.
Registered psychologist Caitlin Slavens puts it plainly. “School” covers several hours, dozens of interactions, and many different emotions. That is a lot for a child to sort through on the spot. So “fine” is the easiest answer they can give.
More specific questions give a child’s brain somewhere to start. Dr. Todey suggests things like “What made you laugh today?” or “Was there a part of the day that was hard?”
The rose-and-thorn question works because it is open-ended. It invites kids to reflect rather than just report.
Why the Thorn Matters Just as Much as the Rose
It might feel awkward to ask a child about the hard parts of their day. But psychologists say that is exactly what children need.
“When parents model talking about both positive and difficult experiences, kids begin to understand that all emotions are normal,” says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. “Feelings can be talked through rather than avoided.”
Dr. Todey adds that talking about a thorn makes hard feelings like sadness, anger, and embarrassment less scary. It teaches children that uncomfortable emotions are manageable and temporary. That is resilience, not avoidance.
“Every thorn becomes an opportunity to learn: ‘Hard days happen. I can get through them. I don’t have to go through this alone.'” — Dr. Amy Todey
Slavens also notes that a child’s thorn may reveal friendship troubles, school struggles, or worries that would never come up through a general question. It gives you useful information and helps you know when a grandchild might need a little extra support.
How to Use It With Different Ages
The rose-and-thorn question works across every age. You just tailor it a little.
Little ones (ages 2–5): Keep it simple. Try “What made you happy today?” and “Was anything hard or made you feel mad?” Slavens suggests that young children may need prompting. You can go first and share your own simple answer, or even use a picture of a rose and a thorn so they have something to point to.
School-aged kids (ages 6–11): They are ready to explain why something was their rose or thorn. Dr. Schiff recommends following up with questions like “What made that your favorite part?” or “What do you think you could do differently next time?” And remember, sometimes kids this age just want someone to listen before jumping in with solutions.
Tweens and teens (ages 12 and up): Dr. Todey says the goal at this age is to keep the dinner table feeling like a safe place, not an interview. Her advice? Have everyone at the table share their rose and thorn, grandparents included. When adults share their own highs and lows, teens are much more likely to do the same.
The Gift Hidden in the Question
Dr. Todey says the most powerful lesson inside the thorn is not about problem-solving. It is about belonging.
“When families consistently make space for the full range of emotions, children begin to believe something incredibly important: ‘There is nothing I could feel today that would make me less welcome at this table,'” she says.
As a grandparent, you have something special to offer here. A dinner table where all feelings are welcome is one of the greatest gifts you can give. And it starts with three little words.
What was your thorn today?
