Sharing the Holidays When Other Grandparents Are in the Mix
November 12, 2026 — 65Nation
Carol found out about her son’s Thanksgiving plans from the other grandmother. They were standing together at their granddaughter’s first birthday party when the other grandmother mentioned how excited she was to have everyone at her house in November. Carol smiled, said it sounded lovely, and drove home wondering why her son hadn’t said a word. He had assumed his wife already told her. She had been waiting for him to bring it up.
If that story sounds familiar, you are not alone. In a reader survey, about 20 percent of grandparents described tension with the other side of the family and the holidays came up again and again. Most weren’t asking for more time. They wanted to know how to bring up holiday plans without seeming pushy, and what to say when the answer isn’t what they hoped for.
Should You Ask, or Wait to Be Invited?
One reader of Mother and Grand described the dilemma well. She worried that extending an invitation would look like pressure. But she also worried that waiting passively would look like she didn’t care. So which is it?
Ask. Waiting feels polite, but silence leaves your adult children guessing. They may assume you have other plans, that you’d rather not travel, or that you’ll be fine with whatever they decide. Then you hear the plan secondhand, which hurts more than a direct “not this year.”
A clear, kind request also helps your kids. They can’t include you in plans they don’t know you want to be part of. Say what you hope for, keep it reasonable, and explain why it matters to you.
How to Ask Without Putting Anyone on the Spot
Three things make it easier for your adult children to give you an honest answer.
- Ask early. Plans fill up fast once one side of the family weighs in. If you haven’t asked yet this year, ask this week.
- Ask both parents. If your grandchild’s parent is your son, include your daughter-in-law in the conversation. If it’s your daughter, include your son-in-law. That way, no one has to relay your request to their partner.
- Offer choices and an easy out. A single specific request puts parents in the position of saying yes or disappointing you. A few options and a clear exit let them choose what actually works.
Here are a few ways to put that into words:
“We’d love to see you sometime over the holidays. Would Thanksgiving weekend, a day before Christmas, or New Year’s work better for you? We’re flexible.”
“If your plans are already full this year, just tell us. Maybe we could celebrate one weekend in January instead.”
“Would it be easier if we came to you? We know traveling with a baby is a lot.”
What Is Actually Fair When It Comes to Splitting Holidays?
There is no single rule. Some families alternate years, one side gets Thanksgiving, the other gets Christmas, then they switch. Some split the day itself, with Christmas Eve at one house and Christmas morning at another. Many parents of young children stay home and invite grandparents to come to them.
From your adult children’s point of view, “fair” usually means whatever their little ones can handle without a meltdown. Nap schedules, car seats, and a baby who won’t sleep in a strange place shape holiday plans more than anyone’s feelings do.
If you’re a paternal grandparent, you may feel the balance tips toward the other side more often than not. You can understand the practical reasons for that and still feel sad about it. Both things are true at the same time, and that is okay.
What to Say When the Other Grandparents Get the Holiday
When the plans don’t include you, give yourself a day before you respond. Then answer with an offer.
“Thanks for letting us know. We’ll miss you on Thursday. Could we plan a dinner the weekend after?”
“That sounds like a fun day for the kids. Would you send us a photo or two on Christmas morning? We’d love to see them in their pajamas.”
If you found out secondhand, wait until you can ask calmly. Then focus on next time rather than what just happened.
“I heard you’ll be at the other grandparents’ for Thanksgiving, that sounds lovely. Next time, would you let us know your plans when you make them? It helps us plan our own holiday.”
Create a Tradition That Is All Your Own
A celebration that belongs just to your family takes the pressure off the big days entirely.
It might be a pie-baking Saturday before Thanksgiving, a holiday lights drive the week before Christmas, or pancakes on New Year’s Day. It might even be a different time of year entirely: Memorial Day weekend or the Fourth of July. The day matters less than the routine you build around it.
The Simplest Thing You Can Do Right Now
Sharing the holidays with the other grandparents goes more smoothly when you talk with your adult children early, offer options instead of expectations, and ask for the information you need directly. You may not get every holiday. But you can still be a warm, steady presence in your grandchild’s life, and sometimes the traditions you create on the other days are the ones they remember longest.
